An Ode to My Goldman Sachs Lover

Dearest Finance bro For tonight, and tonight alone, make me your corporate hoe. I can see you’re from a bulge bracket And tonight I hope your bulge makes a racket. I like to keep a diversified portfolio So through my bedroom many of your kind go. But you best take a long position in your stock Or little attention will be received by your cock. I’ve always enjoyed liquidity in my assets So let’s do some double entry accounting with no ragrets; Keep going down on me until it makes you feel cheap And I’ll buy you up so you’re …




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Massage Not Sent

Chairs with benefits. By HUNTER RICHARDS Like my peers, I, too, am very stressed out. Although my efforts to sustain a healthy relationship that provided stress relief were not fruitful, it turns out I don’t really need to bang one out to prevent a tension headache mid-final exam studying after all. Luckily, as an upperclassman, I’ve found that house spas are truly a blessing. There’s no better way to “Treat Yourself” than some solitude in the spa’s massage chair. It doesn’t take long before you start to realize that this massage chair triumphs over nearly all of your previous stress …




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Wholesome Sex

On more than just the physical act. By DAN VALENZUELA Like the well-educated person I should be, I try not to get caught up in whatever movies show me, especially when it comes to portrayals of sex. They usually sell only the sexy parts of sex, the pleasure, the passion, and sometimes the pain. American Pie and its spin-offs aren’t complete without bare breasts and spontaneous sex. But of course, the breasts and sex are all uncomplicated. Sex happens, breasts are exposed. Fifty Shades of Gray attempted to cash in on sex through a similar way; it showed watered-down versions …




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Left On Read

Service charges may apply. By HUNTER RICHARDS You realize that the night is winding down and your plans seem to have fallen through. It’s 2 am and you’re back in your common room. You’re not yet tired enough to just pass out and call it a night, but you’re also not conscious enough to put in much effort. Cue the booty call to Ol’ Reliable. Maybe they have a different name or emoji in your phone but we all have one: they’re that one person you don’t really want to grab brunch with, but you love trying out the wildest …




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Embrace All

Heteronormativity in cultural organizations at Harvard. By ANONYMOUS Cultural organizations at Harvard support the well-being of our community in many ways. They foster a sense of home for students of similar backgrounds; they provide safe space to talk about issues related to racial and ethnic identity. But at times, social constructs and norms from home permeate into these very organizations at Harvard. Heteronormativity is one of them. I have yet to see a case of active discrimination or blatant homophobia within these cultural organizations. I would like to believe that we are all sensible Harvard students who don’t form misjudgments …




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Hard to Bee-lieve

Do you want to be my little bed bug? By HUNTER RICHARDS Growing up, I learned pretty early on that I wasn’t “The Hot Friend.” Which is fine! I was happy to be the funny friend. The problem is, I didn’t realize I was hot until college. That’s part of the reason that I never noticed people were showing interest in my quirky habits for any reason other than a mutual fascination with weird things. That’s part of the reason I’ve watched Bee Movie so many times. I genuinely love NJBs (Nice Jewish Bees), and AEPi just doesn’t do it …




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YOU HAVE TO GO FULL LESBIAN VAMPIRE

YOU HAVE TO GO FULL LESBIAN VAMPIRE you say, breath ghosting warm against the burgundy butterflies we will discover in the mirror later   i swear it’s the oxytocin but we are long past things making sense, and   maybe we are just tired: maybe we just want to be small and gentle and sleep, back to chest, ocean tide breaths carrying us through the wide quiet night




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Be a Slut

Do whatever you want. By MEGAN SIMS I don’t think I ever fully appreciated polyamory until I went into the psych ward. Someone I was dating had told me about the midnight showing of Mad Max in black and white at the Coolidge Corner Theater weeks before. I’d initially hoped to go and actually watch the movie (which we’d tried and failed to do several times). But things got in the way and I checked into McLean the day before the showing. When I found out that he was going with another person he was interested in, I was excited, …




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Asexy Article

An account of asexuality. The first time I heard someone my age say the word “sexy,” I was aghast. I probably would have used the word “aghast” at the time, too, because I had a slightly above grade level vocabulary that I was smugly proud of. “Sex” was not part of it, though. I knew what it was theoretically – 2 (or more?) people with their genitals in some configuration for enjoyment and/or procreation – but the concept didn’t register in my mind as something I should want to do. Not yet, at least. I was younger than most people …




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Sex and the Chronically Single Girl

One gal recounts the lessons learned from her sexcapades. For one of my classes, we had to read Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar. The book’s protagonist Esther has an obsessive worldview of sex. At one point Esther says she sees the world divided between people who had sex and those who hadnǯt. To some degree, upon entering college and first discovering my own sexuality, I could relate to Esther’s social dichotomy. I felt as though everyone around me was having hook ups, and I was the one on the sidelines. I finally got to enter the game of sex January …




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Sophomore Slump (And Getting Humped)

Your grades shouldn’t be the only ones going down on you! Sophomore slump is no excuse to start slacking because, hey, if there were ever a time that called for excessive amounts of stress relief, it’d be sophomore year. Need some help on finding your “stress relief” buddy? I have got you covered! No, not in that way…that’s messy and we both know there’s no time for that kind of clean up when the pset is due by 5. Find a cute person in section. You know you are about to sign your life over to this class and are …




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No Time For Wasting Time

A plea for more honesty in the college hook up culture. Let’s be honest. The college hook up culture is not going to change itself. Countless articles have been written on the end of romance and the degradation in the sanctity of sex. Yes, that is probably accurate. Thanks to ~the media~ sex has become more visible to younger eyes, and technology has made it more accessible than ever before. Is that necessarily a bad thing? When done right (read: consensually) more sex is more fun. The hook up culture has at least delivered this to our dorm room doorsteps; …




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Apologies for My Sex Life

Repercussions of a sharing nature. To my next-door neighbor in McKinlock, I am so sorry for the very loud sex I have been having all year. I know it must be the nightmare for which you did not sign up. Thank you for only banging on my wall in frustration once, even if I was seconds from orgasm. To the girl who has gone down on me a lot, I am sorry for that one time I farted on your face. Also, I am sure you’re sorry to my next-door neighbor for the very loud sex we’ve been having all …




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OH YES!

Embracing the female orgasm and making it a priority. I came late (pun intended) to the world of “the sex.” In addition to that, it didn’t help that I used to be grossed out by the vagina—my own—vagina. I used to avoid eye contact during conversations with my high school guy friends about the pussy, especially when I was the only one in the basement who had a pussy. I took an “ew gross” stance to cunnilingus. Everyone else around me said so, and I followed suit. “I don’t ever want anyone going down there; it’s embarrassing.” I was body …




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