Sex Data

By ABIGAIL KOERNER   Roses are red Violets are blue 17.4% of Harvard students say they’re bisexual Was one of them you? 11.2% gay 0.7% Queer 63.2% heterosexual Makes the overwhelming majority clear 50% who aren’t that Are out to friends But not to mom and dad In our Indy Sex Survey 50 was a magic number With half of Harvard penises Circumcised down under Such data can be seen In naked pictures sent along As 50 ish percent have sent nudes from their phones Tastes of sex were also analyzed People love pizza post sex Not fries You voted …

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Sex Week

Events and revelations. By ANDIE TURNER   When I was young, my parents told me that people made babies when they “kissed, really fast, forty times in a row”. To punctuate their point, my mom would lean into my dad and he’d bounce his lips, woodpecker style, onto hers as she counted between breaths “…thirty-seven!… thirty-eight!… thirty-nineeeee!” But they never got to forty. My little brother and I would cover our eyes and screech as they approached, asymptotically, that mystical number.   So you can imagine my confusion when my mom took me to see Juno in the fourth grade. …

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An Ode to My Goldman Sachs Lover

Dearest Finance bro For tonight, and tonight alone, make me your corporate hoe. I can see you’re from a bulge bracket And tonight I hope your bulge makes a racket. I like to keep a diversified portfolio So through my bedroom many of your kind go. But you best take a long position in your stock Or little attention will be received by your cock. I’ve always enjoyed liquidity in my assets So let’s do some double entry accounting with no ragrets; Keep going down on me until it makes you feel cheap And I’ll buy you up so you’re …

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