Sex-Life Support

By

Balancing sex and section.

By HUNTER ORCHARDS

The sex lives of students on campus is far from cookie cutter. It’s an inter-sex-ional topic, but we understand it’s far from a strictly top-bottom issue and hope readers can embrace their vers natures. People don’t think of Harvard students being that sexually active but they also didn’t think nerd could be active at all until we had the most D1 teams of all colleges (as if Harvard wasn’t going to do the absolute most). You didn’t think the head of class would have the best head game but hold onto your hat for this transformative sexperience, folks.

 

Gotta Be On Top

…in class

When you’re on board for five extracurriculars, taking 7 classes, doing a joint special concentration in History of International Chemistry in Space and Literature with a secondary in Astrology and Cosmo Sex Tips and citation in Tolkien Elvish, and hiding a hamster in your dorm room, it can get pretty difficult finding time for yourself. It’d be easier to get off an email list-serv getting spammed than to just get off.

 

Tindependent Babe

Swiping right and then ghosting on people who message you leaves you with a bigger thrill than any sexual experience possibly could. Except for the HUDS strike when tinder dates kept you fed, you forgot you were even wasting precious space on your phone on the app.

 

Obnoxious Quadling

Yeah, you have a single but no personality so nobody’s rushing for the shuttle to experience what it’s like to climax without your roommates harmonizing along in your crowded double. It’d be easier to find someone down to get run through in a walk through double than someone who thinks your pillow talk about house pride counts as dirty talk. The only sext anyone wants from you is your room number and the shuttle schedule, and hopes they can keep your mouth busy enough for the next hour to avoid boring conversation.

 

Chronic procr-asturbator

Your vibrator has batteries in it but your electric toothbrush doesn’t. You have a problem set due tomorrow morning and could either go to office hours and grind away on it, or hit up the kid from class and grind away in a less productive manner.

 

Socially liberal but sexually conservative

“I’ll go to the parties you invite me to in hopes that I’ll get drunk and sleep with you but will just end up stealing your alcohol and going home as soon as I’m buzzed. Yeah, you might have cum gutters of steel because of all the stadiums you run but I’m about to book it out of here faster than you’d finish if I gave it a shot.”

 

Cum-petitive Type

“Back in my prime, I could’ve won the Strauss cup for how great I was at IM water sports. And I don’t mean crew. Talk about going for gold.”

 

You weren’t sure what the stopwatch was for or why they immediately pressed the timer after beginning foreplaying, and then 45 seconds later when they got tired of it. They’re the type that’d hold onto your underwear for a trophy, but would settle for a sock that got lodged behind their headboard during a position change.

 

Sexual Top, Emotional Bottom

You’re down to ride him harder than you’ve been riding your project partner’s coat tails through this semester, but the only thing you’re opening up about is your legs. You’re more than happy to tell him where your G-Spot is but knowing where you’re from is a bit personal, huh? Yeah, they know your whole schedule so they can fill out the doodle poll for when to hook up but your concentration is kind of out of the scope of this relationship, right?

 

No STEM-istry

“I said this pussy was quote unquote “”too bomb”” during an engineering class but my classmates were so sexually repressed that they didn’t pick up on the joke. And that’s the story of how my humble brag turned into Jefferson Lab getting evacuated. And also how the 90% of the Harvard student body who doesn’t do STEM learned where Jefferson Lab was.”

 

After studying how much of a load a material could take in a mechanical engineering class, you felt personally attacked for having to spend all your time in office hours unable to take any loads.

 

The Philosopher

To Swallow or Not To Swallow? That is the question.

 

It’s not necessarily that you like swallowing, but spitting just fundamentally confuses you. Where does it go? Do you swish it around in your mouth like you’re at an amateur wine tasting?

 

“The Only Thing Going Down Are My Expectations”

When hooking up with straight boys, you could really says it’s clit or miss. As much as they ask “Did you get there?” after their grand finale grunt before they roll off of you, “there” isn’t a clear destination and they’re shit at navigation if their poor sense of direction while aggressively rubbing at your pubic bone was any indicator. After the 15 seconds of vigorous attempts before he assumed he’d really given you the best time possible with some clit action, you wish he had really been pushing the button the entire time except you wish it was a self-destruct button. Pull the lever, Kronk.

 

Sex-ion Kid

The most sexually well-read person you’ve ever met, yet somehow still couldn’t tell you where the clitoris is and can cite multiple sources that the female orgasm is an urban legend. As much as they’ve said they just “want to push back on that” during class, they haven’t spent very much time pushing up against anything or anyone.

 

Hunter Orchards ‘18 ([email protected]) doesn’t like putting her box in a box.