Housing Sorts


“I’ll have a look inside your mind and tell you where you belong.”


The Quad

“My calves? Firm. My community? Strong. My single? Exists. AHHHH”


  • Brags nonstop about having two floors for the dining hall
  • Has never used the top floor of the dining hall
  • Constantly wondering if Quad Grille was just a fever dream


  • “They’re mice, not rats”
  • Still trying to snatch the aux cord in CabCaf
  • Will defend Khurana until the day they die bc “only they can make fun of him”


  • Hasn’t left their single in a week and forgot how to talk to human beings
  • Constantly wants to know why you “just won’t even try weed, like it’s honestly the most harmless thing”
  • Has hotboxed their single every night of senior year

River Central

“You can’t sit with us,” – every resident in their dining hall hiding behind the most intense interhouse restrictions


  • 3 minute walk to the yard
  • 3 inch walk between beds in your double
  • Keeps bragging about “the Gold Coast” as if we don’t all know it’s really the Mold Coast


  • You don’t need a house to have a good time
  • Constantly tells you to come over for some good tea but never has any hot gossip
  • “Haha Lowelltel, that isn’t a stretch at all hahah we just say it like ‘Lowtel’ but we keep it fun haha *aggressively* LAUGH WITH US”


  • Hasn’t seen someone they know in the dining hall since the Berg
  • Lives for the holidays so they can buy even more penguins and is single-handedly keeping year-round Christmas stores alive
  • Has drunkenly blacked out at the Grille at least twice a semester

River East

“We’re as far as the Quad but we aren’t going to remind you about that.”


  • Lots of singles
  • Keeps telling you about all their singles
  • Because nobody has ever come home with them to know they have singles


  • “We got renovated, too!”
  • It doesn’t matter if you have a really nice dining hall if nobody’s willing to come visit you for lunch to ever see it
  • Gets locked out of their room on a weekly basis but refuses to tape the door


  • Had bunny ears surgically attached to their head in preparation for Housing Day
  • “The bunny hop”: noun, the long trek from Lev to Pierce Hall
  • “You know what they say about a big house population…..”

River West

“Exclusion is the best way to build community but we swear we aren’t glorified Final Clubs.”


  • The most incredible glow up of all time
  • Unironically listens to every TSwift song and sings along but in a Khurana voice
  • Pretends that the asbestos thing didn’t happen but it still totally happened


  • “Who do you know here” at every single event
  • “It doesn’t matter that there’s lead paint if you aren’t actively eating the paint chips, we aren’t Old Winthrop!”
  • The roaches in Eliot aren’t as fun as the ones in Currier


  • Also didn’t see a problem with the incest in Game of Thrones
  • Instagram famous but the Finsta is just photos of gross hardwood floors and moldy bathrooms
  • Great view of the roaches in Eliot