Don’t Swipe – Swerve

By

By HUNTER RICHARDS

It’s that time of year again – Valentine’s Season. You’re getting tired of your mom always asking when you’re going to seal the deal and tie down one of those Trust Fund Baes™ she heard so much about before sending you to Harvard.

Just because your Blockmates are set on getting data-SNATCHED again this year, doesn’t mean you have to cave in. You’ll have plenty of time to be the Peen Fiend all that pset stress has turned you into after midterms.

With four classes and three clubs, you just don’t have time to comp a SO this semester but it’s not for lack of trying on their end. With your GPA still recovering from the hit it took last semester, you don’t have time for any D, in the classroom or out. Just because the time commitment to an activity where you’ll have to share leadership instead of being able to take over doesn’t fit with your freshly refined resume doesn’t mean you haven’t had some cover letters submitted to you lately.

The guys who will try to sleep with you before you graduate:

Happy V-Day

The Guy Who Uses A Bong as Decor

He’s 6 foot but his bong sitting on the floor goes up to your belly button and you’re still trying to figure out why that is. You’re pretty sure he doesn’t even know how to use it because it’s oddly clean for a stoner and his bed isn’t on the floor. You must be at least a level 5 stoner to have a bong that big that you actually use and not sleep on a large fuck pad on your floor because you “like to be closer to the earth,” which is another way to say you’re too messed up to gracefully climb your bed that you found lofted when you moved in and are too lazy to lower. Nobody who spends more than 20% of their time outside of their room is above a level 3.

 

The Guy Who Says He’ll Send You the Notes from Class but Never Does

It’s just so interesting that he never fails to text you at 3 am on a Saturday but ghosts you if you ask for a picture of his notes from the class you missed. Regardless of the fact that you’ve never actually hooked up and the only time you’ve hung out outside of class was meeting with your professor for a group project. You put up with those confusing booty calls because you’re still worried he’ll rip you to shreds on the group evaluations if you turn him down too explicitly.

 

The Obnoxious Guy from Office Hours that Won’t Help You

He’ll monopolize your teacher’s time even though he’s already finished most of the homework but also is only chatty with people who will grade his problem set. He’ll always have an incredibly generic but slightly archaic name, like Edmund or Arthur or Craig. He always has to leave project meetings early for some reason and suggests that you meet up in his dining hall at 7 am. He’ll never be down to compare problem sets, even though he does text back and agree to work together as long as you’ll come to his room after midnight because that’s somehow when he’s free. He’ll stop responding if you ask about meeting in a library instead.

 

The Guy Who Thinks Women Should Be Sexually Liberated but Only if They’ll Sleep With Him

He’ll likely have worn a “drug rug” sweater for at least a semester, although he’s “above the influence” but will still be found blacked out in the shower by his roommates at least twice within a semester. He doesn’t believe in texting because he’d prefer to talk face-to-face, because that’s the easiest to recommend you sit on his face. It’s an easy jump for him because he has absolutely no furniture in his room except a worn out cot on the floor with an unfitted sheet wrinkled on top, so there’s literally just nowhere else to sit. He probably won’t have roommates even though his group of friends is pretty big, and he’ll say it has a lot to do with how outspoken he is to his male friends but will also still spend two hours telling you why Woody Allen is an actual genius that’s revolutionized film. He’s the type of guy who watched American Beauty in high school and really over thought it and will spend half an hour after he gets drunk at a party telling everyone they should watch it because it’s a highly underrated film. You know he’ll have an early meeting the next morning and not let you spend the night if you do ever hook up.

 

Fiscally Conservative, Socially Liberal

This is a fancy way of saying he hates poor people but is still down to maybe sleep with them. His parents will show up to junior parents weekend solely to treat it as a reunion because, of course, he’s a 25th generation legacy. He’s most comfortable wearing business casual and likely sleeps in khakis. He has several sports jackets but won’t let you borrow his to walk over to the frat/final club date event because he’s afraid somebody would steal it.

 

Don’t feel bad about the only thing you’re riding this semester being your house gym’s elliptical to work off your stress eating and your lab partner’s coattails because it isn’t easy out there.

 

Hunter Richards ([email protected]) is looking forward to the texts she’ll get after this gets published from people in her life feeling called out.