Just in case you’re still not sure what to declare…
By HUNTER RICHARDS
Aries: VES. The trash piling up in the corner of your room? Art. Sleeping through morning lecture for a Gen Ed? Art. Dropping out? Art.
Taurus: Special concentration that’s a mix of philosophy with a dash of linguistics and just a pinch of Folk & Myth. Cook at 120 degrees for three years and serve at every holiday dinner for the next few years when your family asks if you’ll ever be employed again.
Gemini: Social Studies (for now, but definitely Government by the end of junior year once you realize how much goes into that required thesis and how little will to survive you have left).
Cancer: Bio. You’re incredibly indecisive, so you actually aren’t even sure what concentration you’re really doing. You just know that the acronym ends with a ‘B’ and you’re pretty sure it stands for something biological.
Leo: Theater, Dance, and Media. You love drama. You live for it. You hate to be directly involved in it but you need to know every single detail. Your constant thirst for the tea and nothing but the tea has kept you well-hydrated through the years. Now devote your whole fucking life to it.
Virgo: Pure math. Because f*ck you, that’s why.
Libra: Econ. Okay, we get it, you’re a busy student athlete. Now tell us more about how you just kind of “ended up” in this department.
Scorpio: Engineering Sciences, because it’s the closest field to pure sadomasochism that you can get in the professional world. You’ve heard of BDSM, now get ready for Engineering Sciences, SB-DSM (Science Bachelors – Devoted to Suffering and Misery).
Sagittarius: Computer Science. Maybe it’s because of your incredible knack for overthinking, or maybe it’s mostly a function of social awkwardness, but you’ve really settled into CS. It’s really helpful that every other person doing CS hasn’t ever stopped mentioning that they do CS, or which tech companies they’re interviewing for, or pitching their newest start-up idea, because that means you can skate by without ever having to talk ever again surrounded by your eager typical CS classmates.
Capricorn: EPS (Earth and Planetary Sciences, or Excited Pothead Students). You were almost too chill and laid back to even fill out your plan of study to declare your concentration. “It’s, like, whatever,” to everything except when it comes to proclaiming your love for the One True MILF: Mother Nature.
Aquarius: Government. You love to fight. Like, really love to fight. You’ve got business cards with “Fiscally conservative but socially liberal” emblazoned under your name. You’re ready for your senior thesis, which is an intensive introduction on how to survive and recover from swamp crotch after your first year sweating your balls off in your small apartment right outside of DC.
Pisces: WGS. You just really enjoy getting upset. Why else would you devote your life to studying the institutional oppression and fighting the patriarchy? Junior tutorial is actually a lesson in perfecting your ugly cry face because you’re likely to get more than heated during your class readings because society is just really some shit.
Hunter Richards (email@example.com) declares her utter lack of caring anymore.