I’m fckn hungry.

By

What should we do about it?

By HUNTER RICHARDS

 

This strike has gone on for two weeks, which directly equates to too long. But if college taught me anything, it is how to be resourceful. And by resourceful, I mostly mean use the fact that I have enough Midwestern charm (and cleavage) to get away with just about anything.

Here are some other hunger-pang driven ideas that might help you find sustenance!

Redownload Tinder

Forget swiping your card when you could just swipe right! I may be a single independent woman who does not need a man, but I still need 3 servings of vegetables a day – which HUDS has not been providing. It is not that hard to come off as thirsty when you’re this fckn hungry. Just be sure to show up a little late and coordinate with your roommates to call you after 40 minutes with a made-up tragedy that will, unfortunately, bring the date to a close, and also relieve your benefactor from the duty of walking you home.

Join a Club

Or at least sign up for the mailing list. In these dark and desperate times, who knows if one of those hundred “take me off this mailing list” emails are actually about a study break where there might be *gasp* food. On the off chance that they cheat you with some fro-yo, it is really easy to unsubscribe from the mailing list and immediately cut those people out of your life because you do not need that type of negativity.

Expand Your Friend Group

That really annoying kid from your floor freshman year may prove rather irksome, but he does live 20 minutes away and his mom drops off casseroles on a regular basis. It might actually be for the better that the Plug (aka the guy helping you ward off scurvy) ended up in the same house as you, even though you definitely avoided any conversation about blocking together.

Actually Sleep

There is no shame in going to sleep early because your bank account is the only slightly higher than your G.P.A. right now. Even the cost of delivery is giving your heart more palpitations than when you turned to the first question of your math midterm and realized you couldn’t find X if it could clear out your pores, call your mom regularly, fill your bank account, return your emails in a timely fashion. So, time to get 8 hours of sleep!

Passive Aggressive Venmo

So you can’t sleep, but you’re running even lower on patience than you are on calories. You know your roommate definitely owes you $30+ on Venmo and have noticed they have been putting in some extra hours this week. Now would be a good time to send that “reminder” on Venmo about some of that money, or at least mention that they could cover your share of that 11:59 pm rushed Dominos order before they stop delivering.

Put Yourself Up for Adoption

By the time you let your parents know how rough midterms were for you, you will be looking for some new elders to disappoint. Since your professors already knows you are about to lower the curve faster than the limbo bar at a drunken beach-themed party, you should start looking for other rich elders who can help you out. One of the perks of reconnecting with alumni is that they usually do not have to check their bank balance each time they swipe their credit card.

I’m going to be honest and say I’m still hungry, so take what I’ve said with a grain of salt (as if you could find salt or any other seasoning in the barren dining halls these days). With the stress of midterms, at least you can pretend that the fear of food instability is more pressing (because at least food is a literal necessity versus that long code you struggled to write last week).

At the end of the day, we are all trying to scrounge up some Marshmallow Mateys and settling for the crumbs of Life Cereal from days past.

Hunter Richards ([email protected]) wishes you all luck in the search for palatable cuisine!