Embracing the female orgasm and making it a priority.

I came late (pun intended) to the world of “the sex.” In addition to that, it didn’t help that I used to be grossed out by the vagina—my own—vagina. I used to avoid eye contact during conversations with my high school guy friends about the pussy, especially when I was the only one in the basement who had a pussy. I took an “ew gross” stance to cunnilingus. Everyone else around me said so, and I followed suit. “I don’t ever want anyone going down there; it’s embarrassing.” I was body shaming myself.

By the end of our high school senior summer, I was losing my virginity to one of those guy friends; who was also a virgin. His nickname was “Butters” and everyone was so stoked when we did it. I “got stuffed” they said.

But the sex? You can probably already tell it was “meh” at best.

Nearly a year prior to this capstone experience with “Butters” I discovered masturbation. I remember the first time. It was a Wednesday night and I was lying on my bed fiddling for the hidden spot where a month before I had let my neighbor’s dog step repeatedly while riding on my lap in the back seat of her Volvo because it felt strangely good. That Wednesday night, I blindly felt around and went to it, and hot damn was it an awakening experience. Some people say the female orgasm is a myth, but my right hand would beg to differ.

But despite my excitement, I kept my discovery a secret because I was ashamed. While my best friend embraced her sexual prowess with pride (and everyone knew her to be that girl), I kept my new exploration my dirty little secret. Also influential was the fact that when I discovered the glory of the clitoris I couldn’t even tell you it was the clitoris.

When it came to sex, my clit and I took a little break. Sex in my eyes was how the guy defined it—he stuck it in, I’d enjoy it marginally, he’d finish, and we’d proceed to ignore each other in hopes to not reveal how we really felt. My pussy-phobia had me following homeboy’s lead, and just like that, sex became something to do, not to enjoy.

Until junior year of college…. When a devout Catholic showed me the light.

With the stipulation that we would not have sex, my late-night friend and I had fun in other ways. I overcame my fear of someone else picking at my coin purse and experienced cunnilingus (done right) for the first time. For the first time, a guy made me come, and it was fantastic. Besides realizing that I may be someone who never orgasms in vaginal intercourse, I also realized that never before had I been with someone who wantedme to come just as much as he did. “Sex,” as it was defined in this context, was not defined by him. I also realized that if I know I can achieve an orgasm every time by going about it in a certain way—there is no reason I shouldn’t make that a priority.

Many female readers may not have experienced an orgasm before. But the best part from my own experience wasn’t the “O” itself, but instead the change in perspective that came with it. I brought myself back into the bedroom and realized that being open, honest, and sometimes selfish made sex something to enjoy and no longer just something to do.

I’ve embraced my own body, with confidence, and started to make my own needs known early (and sometimes if a little nudging was needed, often) when I’m heading downtown to Sexy-Time-Town. Since then, I’ve had happier, healthier sex.

Therefore, I leave you with this: Good sex starts with a comfortable understanding of your own body; knowing what works for you first is imperative if you ever want someone else to know. Then, don’t be ashamed to ask for what you need to make sex pleasurable. Sex shouldn’t be about leveling the playing field or making sex into an orgasm exchange program—it should be about getting what you want out of it, and making that a priority each time. Finally, you should only want to be with someone who wants to make sex just as good for you as for him or her.

If you find that, I applaud you and suggest you tell your friends about it.

Anonymous thinks if you’re going to stay up until 4am for some non-committal sex, it can and should still be worth it.