What to do when he prematurely ejaculates and refuses to put in effort to get you off, too.
By HUNTER RICHARDS
You really thought you found the one: He is smart, kind of tall, funny, and said he loves giving head. What more could you really ask for? So when you’ve been seeing each other for a while now and he just brought you food all the way to the Quad from the River, it seems like it is all working out.
Then it happens. He promises this has never happened before…but by the third time you guys hook up you realize he was honest about his interests, goals, and achievements, but happens to be lying about something else. The “abort mission” moment comes (even though you don’t) when he immediately falls silent after all his cursing and loud unintelligible grunts, at which point he refuses to make eye contact or maintain physical contact. It’s almost like when you see someone waving and start to wave back only to realize it was meant for the person standing behind you. In this case, when he is waving white flag of surrender there are a few things to remember.
Rule 1: Refrain from comparing yourself to the shuttle, which also doesn’t appear to be coming anytime soon. Yeah, he came up with some reason why he needed to head back to the river before too late because his roommate got locked out or he left the iron on, but that’s fine. You really didn’t want to try sharing that twin XL with him anyway. Nobody likes competing for space with an oversized radiator. Plus, you are about to spend 10 minutes looking for some AA batteries that will put in the work he wasn’t willing to…
Rule 2: When you fail to refrain from comparing yourself to the shuttle, don’t ask “Too soon?” answered by, “Wouldn’t be the first time tonight.” He probably has a lot on his plate, which is probably why he was too full to eat you out.
Rule 3: Don’t let him give you that “Wow, your head game is just too strong!” line. It may be true, but weak boys don’t deserve your strong head game.
Rule 4: Forgive but don’t forget. If it takes replacing the water droplet emoji with the umbrella of his contact name in your phone, do it. When you get that 1 am “You up ?” text (complete with the space between ‘up’ and the question mark so you know exactly what’s good), that emoji may be the sign you need. A sign saying it is okay to stay cozy in bed and not put on pants to head to the River. Adding “Hoe Don’t Do It” to the beginning of his name in your phone should do the trick if all else fails.
Rule 5: Do. Not. Fake. It. If it was no good for you, do not pretend it was. If he managed to set off the sprinklers in the 20 seconds he was inside of you then he’s the real MVP. But you shouldn’t be afraid to keep from going soft even though he has. If his first instinct is to check that you came but then not allow you the comfort to admit you didn’t, it’s okay to point him to the door…he might need help getting there anyway. While you’re at it, some other navigational insights might be called for as well.
When he prematurely ejaculates and then flees the scene, he is making it clear that this was never about your pleasure. Don’t be afraid to get yours.
Hunter Richards ’18 (firstname.lastname@example.org) would love to hear how it works for you since she’s making it up as she goes!