Red Carpet Redux

Taking stock of the fabulous and the foul.

How could I be late for the Academy Awards? It’s only the best program on television. I look forward to it every year because I get the privilege of gaping at outfits and laughing at speeches.

I arrive at 7:21 p.m (to my couch). The red carpet has been open for ages; actors and actresses in what they think are their best outfits gracefully glide down, making eyes at the press and paparazzi. The glamour and the smiles are astounding. You won’t find any Cashmere Mafia fashion faux pas this year! They’re all glamorous and neat — nothing outrageous like Mia Mason’s horrendous “couture,” which often reminds me of some unsuccessful circus performer’s outfits.

But there is one suit that catches my eye. The infamous and way too cocky Ryan Seacrest almost attacks Jennifer Garner with yelling and commotion. Flustered and a little scared, I suppose, she looks up wide-eyed and meanders over to Mr. Seacrest, who begins to ask ridiculous questions as he usually does — insubstantial things that just make me and my fellow viewers scream at the screen. But then our anger dies down as we see what he is wearing and our anger and annoyance turns suddenly to fits of laughter. His ridiculous shawl lapels, which has a golden brown tint on his tuxedo makes him look like a priest. Somehow, I can’t see myself calling him Father Seacrest.

But as Jennifer Garner comes into the frame, all talking stops. She is stunning, even on this rainy afternoon. Her hair perfectly drapes her face with just enough volume and at just the right angle to make her cheekbones and the shape of her face stand out. The minute she smiles and her signature dimples show, it’s impossible not to swoon. Her diamond necklace and earrings bring just the right amount of accent to her dress, which displays her amazing figure. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. The best-dressed woman of the evening.

We then see Keri Russel of August Rush in a beautiful dress, but maybe not the best color for her. She looks washed out. But she’s still captures our hearts when she reminds us of Felicity.

Oh, but wait. There is Kristen Chenoweth. At least her cleavage isn’t flopping around in her usual skimpy outfits. This time she’s just way too tan. Let’s hope she doesn’t die of skin cancer any time soon — we wouldn’t want to lose her squeaky little “Galenda” perkiness in other movies like Enchanted!

With all the shifting of camera angles, I feel like I’m in some sort of an epileptic fit. I see red. Lots of red. But then I realize it’s only the multitude of red dresses on screen. Red, apparently, is the color of the evening — if you want to blend in! The best dresses were definitely white, cream, or black — nothing too bold to overpower the natural beauty of the actress and nothing that looks like anybody could have had it.

Anne Hathaway’s brilliant red dress is the exception, particularly since her innate beauty outshines even her garb. Her paleness is almost porcelain in the light and her dark makeup accents her face perfectly to make her look beautiful. The other exception is the always-gorgeous Katherine Heigl, whose red dress makes her look like the ultimate “American Woman.”

But by this time, I am sick of watching the stars walk down the isle. They keep showing the same people over and over again anyway. Let’s fast forward — the one thing I wish I could have done as I was watching this horrendous program.

8:30 p.m. The 80th Annual Academy Awards are now starting. Oh, the music. Oh, the glamour. And now we’re in. It’s only beginning and I’m already looking at my watch. I can tell this is going to be a boring one. Who could possibly top Ellen DeGeneres’s hilarious antics of 2007? Is this year’s host Jon Stewart going to top her amazing vacuum cleaner, which almost ripped Penelope Cruz’s dress? I don’t think so.

Instead he opens with the writers' strike and political jokes. Typical, but uncalled for. This is not the time for Jon Stewart to express his political views, however jokingly.

He says, “I’m happy to say that the strike is over. Tonight, welcome to the make-up sex ... The cancellation of the Vanity Fair party was done out of respect for the writers. But one way they can respect the writers is to one day invite them to the Vanity Fair Oscar Party.”

Stewart also says, “Withdrawing the Iraq movies would only embolden the audience. We cannot let the audience win.”

That immediately turned me off. I’m not saying I was against the writers' strike, nor am I implying that I’m a Republican. No — I’m just a fan of not having politics in the middle of an awards ceremony that millions of people are watching. He might have offended a ton of people within the first five minutes — or is that his job?

I already can’t wait for this year’s Academy Awards to be over. There aren’t even gaudy outfits or horrible hairdos – or should I say “hairdonts?” What on Earth could I be watching this year’s awards show if not to make fun of it? At least they have montages, and I get a glimpse of binoculars and Cher’s ridiculous outfit from ages ago.

Some of the presenters are definitely entertaining — take Jennifer Hudson, for instance. She is clearly nervous when delivering her blurb for her category. “I’m sooooo [gasp] nervous [breath]. I Caaaaaaaaa-[breath]-nt caaaa — [breath]tch my breathy breath!”

Katherine Heigl is also nervous. She walks up, shaking, eyes wide open like a doe. Her voice quivers while whispering into the mike as if she had Kristen Chenoweth’s vibrato. She even apologizes for being nervous. I would have thought she would have been used to this by now. Maybe she should have had a few drinks before getting up on stage to calm her nerves. That would have worked well with those death sticks she’s always smoking when people take pictures of her — except when she’s on the red carpet, of course.

By the time the emotionally-challenged — scratch that — fashion-challenged Tilda arrives on stage for her award of Best Supporting Actress, I’m bored out of my mind and can’t wait for this year’s awards show to crash and burn. But Tilda saves me from going absolutely insane because she strides on up there fierce with her blazing orange-red hair, cropped short, and with almost no makeup. She sports a simple black tunic. Just the sight of her fierceness makes me giggle. Then she bursts out with her British accent, exclaiming, “Oh no!... I have an American agent who is the spitting image of this [referring to the Oscar statue]. The same shaped head and buttocks!” There we all just die with laughter.

Looking back now, this year’s Academy Awards wasn’t a complete let down. Amazingly, the awards ceremony was able to top itself when Marion Cotillard was awarded Best Actress for her first nomination. The sight of her face was even more hilarious than that of Katherine Heigl’s when she was presenting. Her eyes were wider, her mouth was gaping, and she kind of looked like a goldfish gaping in water, especially with her scale-patterned dress.

That was definitely the highlight of the evening. But after a few commercials, and a few more boring awards for sound editing and the like, I was immediately wishing that the next award would be for Best Picture. By the time Nicole Kidman gets on stage, I’m actually nodding off. This never happens to me during the Academy Awards, but this was just an especially boring one.

And at 11:37 p.m., after a few hours of watching the Oscars, I quit. Clearly everyone, including me, was entranced by this year’s incredibly entertaining awards show ­­— so entertaining, in fact, that the television was turned off before we even saw who won Best Picture.

Brian Shen '11 (bshen@fas) is fierce.