The worst sex scenes on the big screen.

Your average movie-goer enjoys films for what they offer: a chance to check out what you can’t in real life. From wild adventures, horror, or action a la James Bond, a good movie lets your average Joe see something new.

Sex is no exception, but when done badly, a misplaced or awkward sex scene leaves poor Joe saying no thanks. Just like with a relationship, bad sex can make or break a movie, and in some cases, even make you want to stand up and leave the theater.

This seems particularly necessary in movies you might watch with your parents. Take 2003’s The Matrix Reloaded The world is coming to an end, robots are invading, humans are about to take a stand against technology — sounds like a great science fiction movie in the making. Right?

Wrong. Before humanity stands up and fights, the last real humans gather in an underground city for an orgy. That’s right: the apocalypse is right around the corner, and the entire remaining free world has random sex to beating congo drums. Leads Neo (Keanu Reeves, The Matrix) and Trinity (Carrie Ann Moss, Chocolat) take time out for some nookie. In a cave. Not only do they fear death, their starry-eyed wincing looks suggest they are also scared stiff of each other. Not a great way to start a movie.

Then there are the movies we all love to hate. Take Gigli (2003), for starters. Bennifer was a bad enough combination, but Bennifer on screen doing the nasty didn’t seem to do it for anyone. Ben Affleck plays Larry Gigli, a hitman hired to kidnap the brother of a California attorney. Lopez plays Ricki, a lesbian assassin hired to keep an eye on him. In your stereotypical Hollywood blockbuster, the male and female leads preface their steamy romance with a buildup of tension, a number of sexual innuendos, or suggestive body language. Lopez and Affleck prefer to flirt over fingernails. When Ricki accuses him of looking at his hands the way a girl would, Larry responds by taking her to bed. Potentially worst pre-coital line — Ricki (lying on her back suggestively): “It’s turkey time; gobble gobble.”

By far the worst sex scenes appear where they are not wanted, dulling the effect of an otherwise powerful movie. Not only is the sex bad, it brings the whole movie down. And it happens to the best of them. When Steven Spielberg sets out to make a picture, you know what to expect — action, suspense, and the cliched love interest. Munich (2005) is no exception.

Set at the 1972 Olympics, it tells the true story of the 11 Israeli soldiers taken hostage by Palestinians at the games, and of the group of Mossad agents, led by Eric Bana (The Other Boleyn Girl) who try to stop them. Bana and his love interest, played by Ayelet Zurer, decide to get it on at the err… climax of the movie. The camera cuts between Palestinians murdering Israelis and Bana’s O-face. Now really Spielberg, is that the message you want to be sending?

To give the movie some credit, at least Munich had the potential for a message. 2006’s 300 did not. In 480 BC, the legendary King Leonidas of Sparta stood up to an invading force of thousands led by King Xerxes with only 300 men. The movie is marked by excess — excessive fighting, overabundant exposure of male flesh, a surplus of blood, guts and gore. But sometimes less really is more. Before the fighting starts, Leonidas awakes in the middle of the night, as he is a troubled king with lots on his mind. His queen (Lena Headey, Possession) gives him some soulful advice, and then takes her clothes off. A series of drawn-out black and white quasi-pornographic sex skits follow, which have nothing at all to do with the rest of the movie. Go figure.

And finally, some movies flaunt sex so much you wish you hadn’t gone and bought a ticket in the first place. The image of Borat (2007) in a fluorescent, spandex thong bathing suit combined with a memorable scene between two naked men in a motel leaves you squeamish about doing the deed for quite awhile afterwards.

Of course, the list could go on — Alexander, Team America and The Libertine came dangerously close to making the top five, but then there’s always next year.

Don’t ever tell Allegra Richards ’09 (amrichar@fas) that it’s turkey time.