Conversations We Never Had

South Asian women and sex.

By ARHANA CHATTOPADHYAY

My mom and I have had most of the seminal moments that characterize those awkward years of growing pains and ugly orthodontia. The period conversation. Shopping for my first bra. Consolations over my first unrequited love — and the second, and the third, and the fourth. The talk about drinking and drugs — even though in high school, I thought that a bong was a musical instrument, and I was more likely to take practice AP tests than take shots in my free time.

The one conversation I can’t remember is perhaps the biggest one. The Talk. The Sex Talk. That’s probably because we never had it. After what is arguably the biggest event of fifth grade, the screening of “Your Body and Mine,” like most kids I nervously crumpled the educational pamphlets from the nurse that were meant to stimulate family discussion about sex into the inner recesses of my backpack, hoping never to unearth them again. But while the efforts of my friends to avoid The Talk were in vain (one of their parents even pulled out a condom to show them how it worked), I think that my mom would have pulled out her own teeth before saying the word “sex.”

Let me provide some context: when my mother and I rented The Notebook recently, my mom made me close my eyes during the “kissing parts” — and yes, I am 21. My parents actually thought that PDA is a type of small personal computer. And while I hail from the land of the Kama Sutra, I am still suspect that my sister and I are the products of immaculate conception.

And I am not alone. Says L, a sophomore South Asian female, “Sex. Well, we never talked about it. But yeah, it was a pretty clear message: don’t do it. Until you are extremely married.” According to a survey of South Asian men and women on campus, 73% agreed that abstinence before marriage was emphasized in their families, and 38% choose to abstain from sex because of this.

T, a female senior of Indian heritage, agrees, “My mom and I could basically talk about anything, except for sex. We sort of just avoided the topic. As a result, I was really, really sheltered and naïve about sex.”

For me, sheltered and naïve lasted through middle school and high school, but when college rolled around, I was completely at a loss as to how to navigate the sexually-charged nature of social interactions. Like T, who was completely shocked by her freshman year roommate’s boyfriend sleeping over, I was taught that overt sexuality was somehow impure, and I spent a lot of time going to dances in big groups of girls and avoiding places like final clubs where some of my friends went and, inevitably, “hooked up.”

So how do the perceptions of South Asian women change over time? L thinks that a combination of getting into a relationship and talking to friends helped her transition into feeling comfortable with premarital sex. “I took it really slow with my high school boyfriend. But, after discussing stuff with my friends because I couldn’t talk to my mom about it, I just got over it and learned that sex was a normal, healthy part of a relationship. Now I think premarital sex is totally fine.”

The survey showed that 54% of women have had premarital sexual intercourse, even though over half these women were taught that abstinence before marriage is crucial. A, a South Asian junior, thinks that several factors go into this statistic. “Some parents are actually more open about it when the issue arises. And I think that as you grow older and leave home, you naturally start to question the ideals you were raised with.”

When asked if the same goes for hookups, K, a female Indian junior, thinks that continual exposure to sex desensitizes girls to what is and is not shocking. “When you come in as a freshman girl, all your other South Asian friends are talking about hooking up like it’s some really taboo thing. My first hookup caused me a lot of guilt and feeling pretty dejected about myself. But then by sophomore or junior year, it’s almost more surprising if you haven’t at least had one random hookup. It’s sort of like no big deal.”

Still, 67% of South Asian women believe that they are more conservative — 83% have had two or fewer sexual partners, and 45% say they are highly unlikely to hook up. In addition, to ameliorate the tension between abstinence and sexual freedom, some draw the line at everything except for technical intercourse. A says, “I’m pretty ‘normal’ when it comes to love and sex. I’ve had crushes, and been crushed on. I’ve had the giddy, intoxicating headiness of first love, and the too-tender pangs of heartbreak. I’ve tried to hide hickeys from my mom (and failed, miserably). I’ve been in a fairly serious relationship. I love Cosmo. Far from frigid, I think I’m passionate. I can talk about sex unflinchingly and maturely. But the actual, technical V-card — it’s big. It’s huge. It’s sacred. It’s the last frontier.”

It may be no small wonder that South Asian women are more conservative — 64% feel that women alone are judged for premarital sexual relations. K says, “I was taught to stay pure for my husband, and kind of would feel used if I didn’t. And as for South Asian guys, parents sort of look the other way because they are guys.”

Z, a South Asian male sophomore, thinks that although women feel that they will be judged, reality is much different. “I’m pretty much okay with my future wife having had sex before — I mean, it would a little weird if she had many more partners than I did, but I wouldn’t really care, I mean, it’s so prevalent in college and beyond. And I feel that sex is kept hush-hush in the community, blowing it out of proportion when people do hear about a South Asian girl hooking up with a bunch of guys. But only some people really care about it and most are just like, whatever.” He adds that his parents also never talked about sex and were extremely uncomfortable when he broached the topic of sex for the first time, even though he is a guy.

G, an Indian med school student, wishes parents were more open about sex so that women could feel empowered to make their own sexual decisions. “I hate the fact that I was raised to be ashamed about sexual desire or about masturbation. I think that it’s great to respect your body, but part of that is respecting your sex drive and need for pleasure without stigma. Parents should be more willing to talk about sex so that girls feel less guilty and can make decisions.”

M, a senior, adds that parental acceptance of sex does greatly impact girls’ perceptions. “My South Asian friends with parents who did talk about sex had an easier time sort of dealing with it. I think there are a variety of experiences and a variety of attitudes that different girls have about sex, so it’s important not to generalize.”

And sometimes, parents can and do surprise you. Before my first relationship, I thought my parents wanted me to date one person, after college, and marry him. When I started dating my first serious boyfriend in college and eventually brought him home, my parents were…fine with it. And left us completely alone at home, much to my utter amazement. When the relationship ended, my father even said that it was important to date multiple people to make the right decision about your lifelong partner. Go figure. Who knew my parents could be so cool?

Arhana Chattopadhyay ’11 (achattop@fas) wonders just how cool her parents might be.

2 Responses to “Conversations We Never Had”

1. Wsquared says:

   April 22, 2010 at 7:10 am

   good article. favorite line: “I think that my mom would have pulled out her own teeth before saying the word “sex.””
2. J says:

   April 22, 2010 at 10:05 am

   The last line is so true. I assumed my parents would be ultraconservative about dating (aka no dating until you’re married! Uhh..) but they were surprisingly accepting of the fact that I’ve been dating.

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