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A Sub-Par RecordWhy Tiger Woods is a disappointment twice over.By HAO MENGApril 15, 2010
Instead, I’d like to focus on why Tiger Woods is an idiot who thinks with his phallus, and not his brain. I overheard someone in the dining hall last weekend rave about Tiger Wood’s performance at the Masters (he tied for fourth), and exclaim — with what I can only hope was poorly executed sarcasm — that Tiger had successfully regained his status as a sophisticated and wonderful role model. Naturally, I couldn’t believe what I heard, so I turned to him and told him the following joke: “You know, I heard a rumor that Tiger Woods won’t be playing any more tournaments this year.” His jaw fell open, so I tried to comfort him: “Yeah, man, but don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll get in some holes here and there.” “I DON’T CARE IF HE PLAYS A COUPLE OF HOLES! HE NEEDS TO PLAY MAJORS SO THAT HE CAN GET BETTER AND WIN!” was his response. Ironically enough, it was me who ended up laughing uncontrollably, not him. So why am I telling you all this? Well, for two reasons. One, Tiger Woods is an idiot. And two, the level at which Tiger jokes are appreciated does not match the level at which Tiger is an idiot. I know I haven’t done a great job of convincing you that the first statement is true, and I’d certainly like to remedy the terrible reality of statement two. So in the spirit of making fun of Tiger Woods, here are three reasons Tiger is an idiot — paired with three of the best Tiger jokes everyone should know and appreciate. 1. Tiger, have you seen your wife? If we’re going to be truly honest, Tiger Woods is hardly the most attractive male athlete out there. Hell, I wouldn’t even claim that he’s the most handsome golfer (girls tell me that some guy named Aaron Baddeley has him beat). Knowing that, why in the world would Tiger cheat on a blonde Swedish model — one that took him over a year of waiting in line to win over? It’s not as if the women Tiger slept with were Heidi Klum, Jessica Alba, and Rachel McAdams (had he done that, he wouldn’t be an idiot, though “selfish bastard” wouldn’t be unreasonable). Think about it. Would Jay-Z cheat on Beyonce? Would Chandler Bing cheat on Monica Gellar? Would Tarzan cheat on Jane? No, they wouldn’t, because they’re aware of the vast discrepancy in attractiveness between them and their spouses, and that they don’t lie on the positive end of that discrepancy. Tiger either needs that magic mirror thing from Snow White or a better set of contacts if he doesn’t realize that he belongs in that very group. “CBS passed on an interview with Tiger Woods, saying that five minutes with the golfer wouldn’t be enough. There are hundreds of women out there who disagree.” 2. When did crashing your car into a hedge, a fire hydrant, and a tree become a solution? Look, Tiger, I get that your wife was probably mad at you for cheating on her, but saying sorry usually doesn’t involve wrecking a perfectly nice 2009 Cadillac Escalade and bringing national embarrassment to the family. Women tend to like the whole pretty-red-flowers-plus-chocolate-plus-cleaning-the-house-plus-actually-winning- the-Masters-thing (c’mon Tiger…the one thing you’re supposed to be good at…). Not only did all the information about the scandal originate from this one incident, but it also further marred Tiger’s less than glamorous face. Yet, the incident did send — in my opinion — two positive messages. First, not all bad drivers are Asian females. Second, if this was a suicide attempt (knock on wood), then we definitely don’t have to worry about Tiger. I, however, have no doubt that these two messages were inadvertent, and as a result, they do not in any way contradict Tiger’s apparent affinity for idiocy. “Tiger and Elin have signed a new prenuptial agreement. According to the new contract, the next time Tiger plays a round, Elin will hand him his balls.” 3. Ok, if you’re going to do the whole cheating thing (and you shouldn’t), then do it right — make sure you don’t get caught! Cheating is not acceptable. End of story. But if you’re Tiger Woods, and you’re a moron, and you’ve firmly decided to cheat, then at least cheat in a way that doesn’t seem like you actually want to be caught! Don’t say, “I want you to be my whore” to every porn star over the phone. Don’t send text messages that say, “I will wear you out,” because, well, text messages can actually be saved (who knew?). Most importantly, don’t forget that you’re what we Muggles like to call famous, and it’s kind of always been a trend to let the world know that you’ve slept with a famous person. Hell, some people even like to inform the world that they’ve slept with a non-famous person. I know, crazy right? “Elin Woods was shocked to learn that she was pregnant. In a rage, she called Tiger at the golf course. ‘You bastard! You bastard!’ Elin screamed. ‘You got me pregnant!’ Tiger replied, ‘Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Who is this?’” So what’s the moral of this extremely professional analysis? Radiohead bassist Colin Greenwood once said, “ People need to focus on bigger issues instead of whether George Bush is an idiot or not.” He’s absolutely right. It’s time we focused on bigger issues — like why Tiger Woods is such an idiot. Hao Meng ’11 (haomeng@fas) believes in doing things right. 2 Responses to “A Sub-Par Record”Leave a Reply |
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NO DUHH!! IT WAS DEFINITELY THE FOUR GOING ON FIVE MONTHS OF C0CK BLOCKING, JEALOUSLY AND SNITCHING THE MEDIA HAS SHOWN HIM. NoT ThE ChEeSy CoMMeRCiAL. YoU ThiNk!!!! THATS WHY THEY HAVEN’T QUIT YET. HIS WIFE HASN’T LEFT HIM YET. SO “THE MEDIA’S” JOB ISN’T DONE.
The media said they would have to hang Tiger for somebody else to win and,”The media” is lynching him too!!! Now somebody else can win. Did the media make it easy enough for “THE FIELD”? He just plays the Masters and wants to win them?? Probably not? THE TOUR IS YOUR WARM-UP!!
The media is C0cK blocking Tiger. He isn’t a politician. He’s a golfer for Christ sakes. Why do we expect our athletes to show such high values – but they aren’t required by our politicians or religious leaders. John McCain anyone? A Priest RAPED 200 BOYS!!! A HIGH PRIEST GAVE HIM THE OPPORTUNITY TO GET UP TO 200!!
So Tiger Woods get snitched on to his wife by “tHe mEdIa” in the worst way. Politician style or worse!! You be the judge. For FoUr MoNtHs No Doubt? Because she hasn’t left yet. They will quiet when “whats her name?” leaves because THE JOB WILL BE DONE.
Tiger has overcome alot these few months and of course he will stumble when it comes to his golf game. Give it a couple months and if anyone can bounce back, he would be the first choice. He is the most gifted golfer on the planet and i’m sure the world can’t wait to see him get back to form.