Sophomore Slump (And Getting Humped)

By

Your grades shouldn’t be the only ones going down on you! Sophomore slump is no excuse to start slacking because, hey, if there were ever a time that called for excessive amounts of stress relief, it’d be sophomore year. Need some help on finding your “stress relief” buddy? I have got you covered! No, not in that way…that’s messy and we both know there’s no time for that kind of clean up when the pset is due by 5.

  1. Find a cute person in section. You know you are about to sign your life over to this class and are resigned to the fact that you are moving into the building where you have office hours. The best part is that you can go from grinding away on that pset to grinding on cute section person. Plus, you’re both relieving that stress and going to be so productive when you get back to that pset…until you realize you skipped lecture to hook up, in which case repeat the stress relief as needed.
  2. Be reasonable. You have 20 minutes before section. By this point, you and your slump-hump have probably gotten to know each other well enough to have faith that you can do the nasty with time to spare for you to fix your eyeliner in the window. This is not the time for you, under any circumstances, to “get creative” or try anything new. Those are good and well. But the a time and a place is not his stuffy double at the River while you are praying his roommate won’t come home and you’re crossing your fingers you can find your underwear to make it to class on Harvard Time.
  3. Your linkmates’s house is fair game.“It’d be so convenient if I was seeing someone in my house. I wouldn’t even have to put shoes on to go take my pants off!” No! This is a freshman sentiment! You are a sophomore, you are far more jaded now and should know better. Those crowded dining hall moments when you sat across from each other trying to avoid eye contact while you eat your Veritaffles the morning after isn’t a good look. The houses in your neighborhood, however, are a whole other story! There’s nothing better than getting home within five minutes the next morning, and the proximity cuts down on the amount of sun you’re desperately trying to shield your eyes from because both you and your liver took a pounding last night.
  4. Accept the age of technology. Your pride is only the first thing I’d recommend you swallow. Just make a damn Tinder/Bumble/Grindr/Farmers Only already. We both know you obsessed over Yik Yak, and we both know you love wasting time. The worst that is going to happen is spraining your finger from swiping, which is just as likely to happen playing Candy Crush but that is a whole different kind of frustration.
  5. Pace yourself…but just a little bit. You may think that this boy whose lap you are sitting in is going to be the only one you’ll be kissing this year, but chances are, he’s a dog. Unfortunately you don’t find this out until right around November. Then you have to start investing in your own oversized hoodies because you’re a single independent woman who don’t need no man and also just wants to be cozy. But it starts to be a problem when the guy from last weekend sends you a friend request on Facebook and you notice his cover photo is of his roommates. It now dawns upon you that those two Kirkland boys know each other; which you might have realized had not always made them come to you…
  6. Commute. The rule of thumb (or really the rule of the index and middle finger) is to be the one doing the traveling. The ability to get up and leave is one to be cherished. The essay due at midnight waits for no one, especially the kid ready to pass out in your bed. However, there is no shame in interrupting your ex – as he tries to make the bed for you both after you “grab coffee to catch up”– to ask if he could hand you your underwear and also your pants and also your shoes, and while he’s at it, does he know when the next shuttle is coming? In other words, both courts may have their advantage.

Sophomore year is the most stressful period of your college life so far, and you deserve all the stress relief you can get. After all, the cost of an Uber home is still much cheaper than any spa day alternative.

Hunter Richards ’18 ([email protected]) would love to hear how it works for you since she’s making it up as she goes.