Apologies for My Sex Life


Repercussions of a sharing nature.


To my next-door neighbor in McKinlock, I am so sorry for the very loud sex I have been having all year. I know it must be the nightmare for which you did not sign up. Thank you for only banging on my wall in frustration once, even if I was seconds from orgasm.

To the girl who has gone down on me a lot, I am sorry for that one time I farted on your face. Also, I am sure you’re sorry to my next-door neighbor for the very loud sex we’ve been having all year.

To the guy with whom I hooked up on Halloween, I am sorry I didn’t give you a second blowjob before you left my room. (But not that sorry.)

To my best friend, I am sorry I keep making jokes about that awkward drunken night the summer before college. Even though, it was hilarious.

To that guy from orientation week, I am sorry for the mediocre handjob. I just really hate handjobs.

To all of my friends, I am so sorry I can’t stop talking about sex. I’m sure it must betiring to put up with my shamelessness and my inherited loud-talking gene. I have the feeling that I embarrass you often in public. I am sorry you have to feel embarrassed by me. I should keep that to myself, perhaps.

To the girl last semester, I am sorry I was not in the place to have sex with you. I am so sorry I hurt you.

To my ex boyfriend, I am sorry you got caught up in my figuring out my sexuality, that I could not love you the way you loved me. I am sorry I never loved the sex. I am sorry it took me so long to realize that we weren’t right together and that we had to break up over the phone (you’re still so far away). I am sorry I deleted the pictures of you. I wonder if you’ve saved any of me. I hope your new Megan makes you happy.

To the former UC high-ranking official who matched with me on Tinder and then opened with “haven’t we made out before?” (we have), I am absolutely not sorry that I ignored your repeated requests to hang out or come over despite my repeated no’s. That right swipe was an accident. For a representative of a school trying to promote a culture of healthy relationships, you do a really terrible job of respecting that I do not want to go get ice cream with you.

To the people who have napped in my room, I am sorry if I left any of my sex toys laying out for you to see.

To Sex Week Board, I am sorry you had to hear my “I love eating vagina…cupcakes” jokes way more times than is funny.

To the reader of this article, I am sorry you now know far too many details of my sex life. In the spirit of positive discourse, I hope you can forgive my over-sharing nature.

Megan Sims ’18 ([email protected]) has a lot of things to be sorry for — her enjoyment of sex is not one of them.