‘Do My Boobs Look Weird?’


A stream-of-conscious account of having sex.

 What’s more deafening and mood killing than my roommate occasionally blasting the Game of Thrones soundtrack or “Ode to Joy” when I bring someone over? My own mind! It distracts me from fully enjoying the sex I’m currently having!

Watching sex scenes in movies and television shows gave me a very unrealistic expectation of what sex would and could be like in college. Surprisingly, there was no fade to black montage of backs gracefully thrusting with Mazzy Star’s “Fade Into You” playing in the background. While I definitely wouldn’t call myself a sexual wizard, I will say that my limited sexual experiences have taught me a lot about myself. In many ways, the awkward-as-fuck moments, the unexpected vulnerability that comes with having sex, and the in-depth roommate debrief sessions have all helped me have my own little sexual awakening. I’m not going to pretend that all of my insecurities and neuroticisms have completely vanished just like my patriarchal cherry, but I will say I’ve learned a lot about myself physically, emotionally, and sexually.

I’m hoping my stream of consciousness tidbits are somewhat relatable or at least make you feel like you are not alone in the weirdness that sex can be. We don’t have to be perfect at sex and we don’t have to feel 100% confident all the time. However, we should remember that we’re human, and you know what, occasionally, queefs happen.


On making out…


“Wait…what’s he doing with his tongue. Should I be using more tongue? Ahhh…how do I do that tongue swirl thing?”

“Why won’t he kiss my neck?!”

“Stubble, stubble, stubble, stubble.”

“Oooh…I like being pinned down.”

“Do my lips feel soft? I should have worn chap stick.”

On masturbating…

“I wonder if my roommates are home.”

“Ok…let’s get in the zone.”

“Oooh. Hot guy from section. Wait, section. Shit. I have a response paper due.”

“Ok. Let’s get back into the zone.”

“Using a vibrator is hard. I wish I had three hands.”

“Hmm…maybe I’ll try fingering my butthole.”

“Ooh. I like that.”

“Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Yes. Yes.”

“YES (orgasm).”

On being fingered…

“Too. Much. Thrusting.”


“Is it normal to be this wet?”

“Am I moaning too much?”

“Am I moaning too little?”

“YESSSSSSS!!! Wait…no. Go back to doing that other thing.”

“I should have done a better job shaving.”

“Damn these razor bumps. Is he going to think I have an STI?!”

On being eaten out…

“Too. Much. Teeth.”

“……. (brain non-functional).”

“Is he expecting me to be bare?”

“I wonder what I taste like?”




“Stubble. Stubble. Stubble. Stubble.”

“What’s he doing with his tongue?”

“Surprise! Finger.”

“I wonder if my roommates can hear me. Fuck if I care. Oh God.”

“SO. DAMN. CLO—fuck. He moved his head.”

On being titty fucked…

“This is such a weird angle to see a dick.”

“Yup…not really doing much for me.”

“Please finish soon. Your dick is hitting my chin.

“Wouldn’t it be easier if we switched?”

“Please. Let. Him. Cum. Soon.”

“Hmm…jizz isn’t so bad. Wait, I think there’s some in my hair. Eh.”

On period sex…

“But I’m on my period…?”

“…which mean’s I haven’t shaved.”

“Fuck…I’m wearing a pad.”

“Everything is so slippery.”

“Ew…the condom is all red.”

“My sheets!!”

“Bold play for fingering me dude.”

On 69-ing…

“Why do people like this position?!”

“This is not a flattering angle. My ass must look huge.”

“I think I’m too heavy to sit on his face.”

“Wait…this isn’t so bad. Ooh. Fuck. Keep doing that thing with your tongue.”

“Hmm. Blow jobs aren’t so bad from this angle.”

“I wonder if he can hear my over-active gag reflex?”

*Gags*  “My jaw hurts. Cum already!”

“Focus on blow job. Not on your lady bits.”

“Did he just slip a finger into my butt?”

“What if I queef?!”

On being on top…

“This. Is. Not. A. Sexy. Angle.”

“Jesus. My boobs are bouncing so much.”

“Bounce. Bounce. Bounce.”

“Hip cramp!”

“I cannot physically bounce that fast.”

“Dude, seriously, you are going to do a little bit more work.”

“Ow. My knees hurt.”

“This is not condusive to kissing.”

“What if I accidently break his dick like in that one Grey’s Anatomy episode?!”

“We are not on rhythm. How do I get back on rhythm?”

“Am I too heavy?”

“What do I do with my hands?”

“My hips still are cramping.”

On post-sex cuddling…

“Am I crushing your arm?”

“Oooh…you are so warm.”

“Eeep. I have to pee!”

“Stop taking all of the blankets.”

“Am I snoring? Jesus, I bet I am snoring loudly.”

“Jesus, he is snoring so damn loudly.”

“How awkward will the morning be? A kiss good-bye? A handshake?”

“I hope the condom ended up in the trash can.”

“I’m gonna need to do laundry tomorrow.”

“Big Spoon. Or Little Spoon. Big Spoon. Or Little Spoon.”

“Hmm…I love sex.”

Anonymous hopes that you can shut off your inner monologue so you can focus on awesome sex.

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