Fantasies, Fetishes, and Harvard’s Hottest Professors

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Survey respondents reveal their deepest secrets.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEX TOY OR ACCESSORY?

  • leather belt
  • huge dildo – his name is Randy
  • warming massage gel
  • candle wax
  • gerbil jammer
  • The Rabbit
  • vibrator
  • ropes or other restraining devices
  • extended-pleasure condoms
  • vibrating cock ring
  • blindfold
  • FleshJack
  • whipped cream
  • Principles of Economics, 3rd Edition
  • a vagina
  • nipple clamps
  • the internet
  • my dick
  • frozen grapes

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEX TERM?

  • teabagging
  • dolphin
  • Santorum
  • donkey punch
  • blumpkin: getting a blowjob while pooping
  • queef
  • rusty trombone: getting a rim job while being jerked off
  • the shocker
  • dirty sanchez
  • motorboating: this act consists of someone placing their face in between a woman’s breasts, moving their face back and forth, and making the sound of a motorboat
  • Alabama Hot Pocket: after sex, shit in the vagina
  • dunching: vomiting in a girl’s vagina while performing oral sex
  • rodeo: when doing a girl from behind, call her the wrong name and hold on for 8 seconds or more to get a score
  • chode
  • taking the wang dong express to vag town
  • tentacle rape
  • angry gorilla: when you ejaculate on a woman’s chest and throw a bunch of har, presumably shaved from yourself, into her chest – when it sticks, she is like an angry gorilla
  • mungus: two necrophiliacs dig up a 3-6 week dead girl, then take turns jumping on her stomach to squeeze her internal organs out through her vagina into the other guy’s mouth

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SEXUAL FANTASY?

  • Sex in the woods.
  • I guess hooking up with my young hip professor in the philosophy department on a desk in the middle of the night after talking dirty about Aristotle.
  • A post-modern spanking of Drew Faust in Houghton Library, using an 1831 edition of Goethe’s Faust, a Tragedy.
  • Doing Professor Schironi (Classics) on her desk while she recites ancient Greek drama.
  • Cum on her face a couple of times.
  • Jello. Lots and lots of Jello.
  • I want to tap a professor like whoa.
  • Make love and it’s wonderful etc. and then have a hot fudge brownie sundae to eat afterwards.
  • I do a crossword while having excellent carnal relations.
  • Sex in a meadow.
  • I would partake in a foursome with Matt Sundquist (Harvard’s zestiest burrito), Garret Dash Nelson (Dorm Crew Captain Wonderboy), and Ying Wang (Asian Extraordinaire).
  • Armpit sex.
  • A double bed.
  • It involved hedgehogs and a massive Tamagotchi named Kurt.
  • A threesome … in outer space.
  • Bondage. Bondage and robots.
  • I guess sex with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie AT THE SAME TIME.
  • I’d love to come back to my room and find that my boyfriend had cleaned my room and showered and shaved. He’d offer me a long back massage and then tell me that today he wanted to take his time and make it all about me.
  • I’m not exactly sure, but I think it’s probably pretty standard. I’m hooking up with my girlfriend, and her incredibly hot, ethnic, busty friend comes in on us and rather than being uncomfortable decides to join us.
  • Gay sex with Harvey C. Mansfield.
  • Vampires.
  • To have sex on the balcony of Annenberg during Freshman Parents’ Weekend.
  • Kitchen sex. Eating plums. Think about it.
  • Sex on a unicorn in a rainbow.
  • Harry Potter finally comes to his senses and ditches Ginny Weasley (who gets stuck with Colin Creevey). Harry and I have lots and lots of sex – in Gryffindor Tower, in the Forbidden Forest, on and with a broomstick. Also, Hermione marries Viktor Krum; she deserves better sex than she’ll ever have with Ron.
  • On a beach with warm water in the wet sand.
  • Threesome.
  • Sex with Drew Faust.
  • Natalie Portman.
  • A 7 foot tall man. That’s all.
  • Sex in an elevator.
  • 2 girls, me, one cup.
  • Getting into a fistfight that turns into rough but passionate sex, with the girl pressed up against a wall or table and me having intercourse with her from behind.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEX POSITION?

  • missionary
  • emisssionary
  • the bound monkey
  • doggy style
  • spooning
  • the pretzel
  • study sex
  • the jackhammer
  • from behind but lying on top of her, with a vibrator underneath
  • Alabama crab dangle
  • cowgirl
  • butterfly
  • the lesbian kind
  • standing up
  • the pelvic tilt
  • squatting cowgirl
  • the wheelbarrow
  • frogs
  • anything submissive
  • the triumphant lion
  • the John Harvard’s maid, lopsided
  • on my back, with my feet up in the air
  • pretty much anything involving me getting laid
  • flying buttress
  • Italian chandelier
  • girl on top or bottom with legs around guy’s head
  • against a wall
  • piledriver
  • wheelbarrow
  • Eiffel Tower
  • the inverted Jenny
  • the Houdini

WHAT IS YOUR WORST SEX OR DATING STORY?

  • Hit a girl on the head once.
  • Girl was cross-eyed.
  • MIT matchup online date. Four-hour walk to MIT. Appearance and personality not as advertised.
  • I fell asleep during sex.
  • One time I put it in this girl’s butt, and when we were done she started jerking me off. Then she started caressing me lovingly, which would have been fine except she HAD to have gotten poo on her hand from jerking me off. Then she rolled over for sleep without washing her hands and with shitcut dripping from her ass. I described this to her as unhygienic, and explained that if I were to somehow poo on my hands while wiping I would wash it off before going to bed. She called me a prude and went to sleep. I took a shower.
  • Threw up on his penis while giving head.
  • It though she was over 18.
  • Two words: vaginal farts.
  • Being on top while going at it in a bottom bunk and getting hair caught in the metal supports above.
  • A guy lost a condom inside of me and I didn’t realize until the next day.
  • Having sex in the freezer of Herrel’s and coming into a tub of ice cream.
  • The guy shat on my dick.
  • Very first time, couldn’t get it in, then kept getting flaccid. After a while of frustration, went to the bathroom and fainted.
  • First time having sex, couldn’t find the hole.
  • The first time I had sex, it ended abruptly because when we were doing doggie style, I slipped and regular sex suddenly turned into anal sex.
  • In the mud in a tent in the bush.
  • Got caught watching TV during sex.
  • I went down on him, then he rolled over and said, “I’ll do you tomorrow, I’m too tired right now.”
  • I once had a girl interrupt having sex with me to take a phone call from her ex.

WHO IS HARVARD’S HOTTEST PROFESSOR?

  • Stephen Pinker
  • Peter Ellison
  • Glynn Morgan
  • Niall Ferguson
  • Hugo van der Velden
  • Dave Charbonneau
  • Samantha Power
  • Robert Lue
  • Tal Ben-Shahar
  • Drew Faust
  • Greg Mankiw
  • Robin Kelsey
  • Andrew Nevins
  • Sean Gallagher
  • J.D. Connor
  • Leland de la Durantaye