Before We’re Completely Done With Halloween


Zombies. Admit it, they scare you. Apropos of my review of 30 Days of Night, which reveals that this alleged vampire movie is really a stealth zombie picture, your dedicated correspondent has been thinking about the potential for undead invasion. Because the Indy cares about the fate of humankind, some resources on zombie preparedness.

First, five scientific ways a zombie apocalypse could happen. Now, I don’t want to incite a panic, but forewarned is forearmed.

Now that I’ve got you scared, let’s refer to experts for tips on how to survive the coming undead crisis. In consultation with such figures of authority as Bruce Campbell and Quentin Tarantino, MTV has drawn up a disaster plan. They suggest that you first “take a moment to laugh while all those fools who wasted their time watching “The Notebook” get torn apart like a Hometown Buffet on a Friday night.”

The best advice comes from Sam Raimi, director of Evil Dead. Do the job right the first time, or you’ll regret it:

“Always chop ’em up,” advised Sam Raimi, insisting that it isn’t enough to simply knock your zombie down with a head-shot. “You really want to go for the active body dismemberment when it comes to zombies because they can come back at you like a bad lunch. They’ll keep repeating on you, unless you do your business.

“It’s tough with zombies,” he finished. “So be sure to do your due diligence.”

And, finally, we’ll close with the check-list of Max Brooks, noted zombiologist and author of the Zombie Survival Guide:

Top 10 Lessons for Surviving a Zombie Attack

1. Organize before they rise!
2. They feel no fear, why should you?
3. Use your head: cut off theirs.
4. Blades don’t need reloading.
5. Ideal protection = tight clothes, short hair.
6. Get up the staircase, then destroy it.
7. Get out of the car, get onto the bike.
8. Keep moving, keep low, keep quiet, keep alert!
9. No place is safe, only safer.
10. The zombie may be gone, but the threat lives on.

Stay safe, Harvard. You never know what they’re cooking up in the labs over at MIT.

  • I like the five scientific ways that a zombie apocalypse could happen. When stem cells create zombies, history WILL vindicate George W. Bush.